Today was

my last day of classes. No more college for Natalie. She's done for a while.
Well.. I have finals next week. BUT my classes are done.

I left art history and wanted to hug my professor, share with him the moment I was having. He would have taken it in with me. He's that kind of man, you'd know I was right if you knew him.
That's a moment I'll regret for a while. There's seconds in life that are full of human spirit and opportunity. They're on the brink of being something you'll always remember. And sometimes I let my feet fall into them. Other times... fear stops me. Even if it is just for a second.
Hesitation is your worst enemy. Fear and hesitation.
If you wait, you'll miss it. You will, and it will be gone forever.

I can't get that back. But I guess that's alright.
I connected with another person today, in a very surprising way. So I guess it all comes out even.
Nature is constantly trying to achieve equilibrium. It's a fact. Symmetry and equality.
We'll never get there, but all we can ever do, day to day, is try.

If I told

you everything you could have been, would you care to miss yourself as much as I did?
I wish you'd see how lovely you could have been. How fun, real, exciting and full of talent and life.
Why did you let yourself rot?
You decayed, from the inside out.
A rotten pumpkin, in late November. Crumpled and blackened, forgotten on a porch you don't belong to.
It's only days until they notice you. You molded, destroyed piece of art. Worthless now, they'll throw you out.
You'll be amongst the rest of the trash, where you belong now. Mixed in with the filth, disposable and pointless. Deteriorating until you're gone.

You could have been so much more. You really could have.

There's something

about you. when i look at you, sometimes i can tell how much you've loved in your life. i can feel how much heart you've given away. it's like there's bits of you missing.
All i want to do is catch them in the air, those bits of you, that are slowing gliding down through the air, like a feather. the wind holding the bits of you up enough that they don't ever land on the ground too hard.
Thank goodness they didn't shatter. Thank goodness you weren't made of glass, or maybe I would never see those bits of you, floating in front of me. Those pieces of love you've already let go of.
I wish I could catch them and keep them for myself. They aren't mine, though.
Even if I tried, my hand wouldn't grasp them. The feathers would float just past my fingertips, dancing around my hand. Teasing me.
They weren't made for me. I think I can learn to know that's okay. Because it is okay. It's okay that life may never let me have my own bits of you. A real part of me hopes it does. Wishes. But I can't control that. You can't either. And that's okay.
Because you'll keep loving and floating and loving. You'll lose more bits of you too.
But that's okay, because I will too.

I woke up

crying this morning.
I dreamed I had stage five terminal brain cancer, with only days left to live.
My father took me in a car, on a long car ride up many highways I'd never seen before. We ended up in a vintage town filled with history about maralon manroe and james dean. that kind of place. We came into a diner and sat down. The food was already at our table, my dad had called and ordered ahead. He got me a steak, mashed potatoes and some greens. A meal he knew I hadn't had in years but have always loved. I started crying. It felt like my last meal. Like we only had hours left together.
My dad told me waitress I had brain cancer. She didn't know how to react, I kept crying. I told my dad that there weren't many men in the world like him, that would do this.
When we were done eating I told him I wanted to shave my head. Not because I was about to lose it, because it was too late for treatment, but because I'd always wanted to.
He simply stood up and started out the diner. I followed, saying that it was probably a bad idea.
Then I woke up. Crying.
We are so lucky to be alive.

Take me

with you, ducking to get into our cave we made with my pillow cases and old dresses.
my flashlight can light our way, deeper i crawl behind your feet, wrapped in socks
adventures, we never let them stop. edges of my sheets lead to loving, laid on the ground.
bells and pots and pans. silver spoons and rubie red dirt

I woke up

really early today on accident. But I know I'll be running late as I leave for class. It's just who I am.

There is

one show on television that is actually good. The Big C.
I am an avid show watcher of various programs such as Community, 30 Rock, Weeds, Chelsea Lately and more, but all of them are close to mindless entertainment (30 Rock actually has pretty great writers..) BUT none hail in comparison to The Big C on showtime.
The acting, the writing and the way it's produced is top notch. I haven't deleted a single episode from my DVR b/c I can't bring myself to. Each episode is fantastic.
I seriously advise all of my followers (you know, the three of you haha) to watch this show from start to end. The last episode of the first season just aired Monday night.
It leaves me feeling uplifted but reflective. Motivated and grateful. It's funny, sad, serious and sexy. BLAH i've neeever liked a show so much before (besides maybe Grey's Anatomy but now that show SUCKS)
Go watch.