Monday, November 7, 2011

Back when Abby died

I wondered how Dan could possibly survive it. I may have met Dan once or twice in my life, but I never knew him. Same with Abby, my half sister and brother's half sister. The distance in their relation doesn't indicated a distance in their relationship for my siblings and Abby. They grew up together... Especially my sister Leah, she was so close to Abby. Nearly as close to her as I am to Caylynn, I think. Maybe.

Abby's death was shocking but not sudden. She had stage four melanoma cancer that spread all over her body. Still she fought like a lion and fought well.
When she died, all I could do was cry for my family. I would look at pictures of Abby, and still do, and just cry. I saw how much love she had in her life, especially from her husband Dan. The way he looked at her, touched her, anything... it was so real. Their love was recognizable from a glance at a photo, from a sentence in a conversation. What I cried most about was Dan's loss.
Dan seemed wrecked after Abby was gone. While she was dying he lost weight and you could see the spark inside him was hardly flickering. It was only flickering because her heart was still beating.
I was scared and sad for Dan because I heard stories about his devistation in the fact that he has been a part of Abby's family for most of his entire life, as he was great friends with Abby's brother Adam. I wondered where or how he would find a new starting point. What moment of peace could lift him past this loss? What in this world could possibly be so light?

I believe and know that people can live after the loss of a spouse. My own grandfather lost his first wife in a car accident. Like Abby, she was pregnant with their first child. My grandfather's parents died when he was 3, his only brother when he was a teen, and then his first wife. I haven't a clue how he survived... And I can't blame Dan for not.

I cry in any setting at any time if I let my mind wonder to Dan and Abby right now. Their love was unique and it pains me that it's gone. I am trying not to be selfish in wishing them alive and well for the happiness and peace of my family, because they are in a state of eternal peace now. I can't imagine loving Abby as a sister or daughter, Dan as a brother or son, then losing them both. Plus all of the loved one's they have lost in the last few years... it has been devastating.

I can not wish Dan and Abby away from peace. I would love to truly believe that they exist in bliss with their baby in a heaven-like place, but I can't say I do... That doesn't mean I don't think it's possible.
Peace is peace and it always is and always was. Let us tune-in to the ever still presence of peace deep within us. That vibrating sense of life in us... that is where they are. That is where they'll always be.

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